If it is important for you to maintain your virginity in the near future or in the long term, you and only you have the right to make these decisions. By establishing strong and healthy personal boundaries in your relationship, you will learn how to control your body, as well as let others know how to behave with you.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Mark the boundaries of what is permitted
Step 1. Outline the boundaries of what is permitted
The concepts of "virginity" and "sex" are understood differently by different people. Before setting boundaries, you should understand what these terms mean to you.
- Ask yourself the hard question - what is "sex" for you? What kind of intimate contacts do you consider acceptable, and which boundaries cannot be crossed? What do you mean by the term "virginity"? Is it a spiritual, mental or physical condition, or is it all together?
- You will have to set this framework for yourself so that you know what is acceptable for you and can clearly convey it to those around you.
- If you set the boundaries of what is permissible and confidently state it, you will be respected, you will be able to stand up for yourself and do what you think is right.
Step 2. Install the frames
You will have to establish physical, emotional and psychological boundaries. No one has the right to encroach on them or invade your personal space.
- Establish emotional boundaries. What kind of emotional contacts do you consider acceptable and which ones cause you discomfort? What behaviors make you emotionally uncomfortable? Be honest with yourself, because your feelings are more important to you than what others think.
- Establish a psychological framework. How influenced are you by other people's ideas and opinions? When do you feel like the person is not taking your thoughts or ideas into account? Do you feel uncomfortable when you explain something to an opponent or defend your beliefs?
- Establish physical boundaries. Does it depend on how, where and when you are touched? What physical contacts do you consider to be a violation of your personal space? Be clear about your boundaries - both for yourself and for those around you.
Step 3. Be proud of yourself and your body
We are persistently told how we should look, think or behave. This can lead to the fact that you will be judged, and you begin to doubt the correctness of your decisions. But if you are confident in yourself and your choices, you can make others respect you and the decisions you make.
Don't sacrifice yourself or your body for someone else's conventional standards. If someone does not recognize the beauty and inviolability of your body - delete them from your life, and if you cannot do this - for example, these are your parents, sit down and talk to them. Be clear about the boundaries of what is permissible and ask them to respect it
Part 2 of 3: Setting a Framework for Your Relationship with Your Partner
Step 1. Be honest with your partner
Some people do not want to be in an asexual relationship, and you both should be clear about your position on this issue.
- As tempting as the idea of hiding from your partner that you are not going to part with your virginity may seem to you, you should not do it. Sooner or later, everything will be revealed, and if your partner nevertheless finds out about it, both of you will be hurt and offended, and after all, all this could have been avoided.
- If a person does not agree to be in a relationship without intimacy, there is nothing wrong with that - everyone has the right to choose. But don't let your partner pressure you; both of you should respect your partner's opinion. If you disagree, do not make it a universal problem and just disperse.
Step 2. Be firm and unshakable while guarding your personal space
You have the right to set boundaries for your body; if a person does not take this into account, then he does not respect you.
- If everything is serious for you and / or it comes to intimacy, clearly define the framework, and your partner should respect your decision.
- If you are younger - for example, in high school, it is extremely important to be clear about your position. Otherwise, your partner may decide that you are flirting with him or expect more decisive action. Tell me honestly that this is not a game for you.
- If you are older - for example, in college, your partner may be surprised that you still have not lost your virginity and are not going to do so. Don't be discouraged by his reaction or take it personally. Just calmly explain that this is your choice and it is not discussed.
- Whether you will answer the questions that interest your partner regarding the reasons why you do not want to part with your virginity is up to you. If you do not feel discomfort when discussing these details and are sure that the person will react to this with understanding, then take action. If you feel uncomfortable or dislike his way of asking questions, politely end the conversation by saying something like, "I wouldn't want to talk about this."
Step 3. Remember your rights
You have the right to say no to anyone, anytime, anywhere.
- This is your body, and if you do not want to go further than kissing and walking by the hand, this is your right. Don't let anyone tell you what you don't want to do or what you don't like. You can always refuse a person, and he must respect your decision.
- If someone approaches, touches, or talks to you in a manner that is unpleasant for you, ask them to stop with a firm voice and confident gestures. If the person persists and the situation gets out of hand, ask friends to help you.
Step 4. Remember that it's okay to say no
In addition, it should be remembered that a sufficiently old person will behave adequately, even when rejected. If he is not happy, this is his problem. The usual "no" is enough. But be prepared for more negative reactions.
- Be prepared for the fact that the person you turned down may be very young (for example, in high school) and take it with hostility.
- Answer briefly, honestly, and politely (in the first stage), and be prepared to repeat this if necessary.
- For example, if a person says, "If you won't let me do this, then you don't love me." Answer this way: "I love you, and I do not want you to touch me now."
- If he says: "But you allowed me to do this before." Answer: "I changed my mind."
- If he says: "You're just a prude (frigid or notorious, and so on)," answer "I am satisfied (on) myself and my body and I ask you to respect my right to personal space."
- If your partner is older than you (in college, etc.), hope for a more adequate response. If the person does act childishly, you might want to consider whether or not you should continue your relationship with that person.
Step 5. Leave
If someone encroaches on your personal space - it doesn't matter emotionally, mentally or physically, just leave. Learn to walk calmly and confidently. The most important thing is to leave this person, but if possible, try to get out of the situation calmly and with dignity, in order to show him that he will not be able to manipulate you.
- If you are at a party or other crowded place, walk away from the person and turn your attention to one of your friends. If you are alone with him or there are few people around, move to a more crowded place so that if something happens you can ask for help (go to the side of the phone booth, car, and so on).
- As you leave, imagine how you crush and throw away his words.
- After getting rid of these words, encourage yourself with something positive.
Step 6. Make it go away
If a person does not understand the hints and continues to insist on his own, there are a couple of ways to permanently discourage him from all interest in you.
- If you are at a party, bar or other place where people don’t understand that you are not interested, you have every right to look the person in the eye and say, “I said no. Now get out. "
- If you decide to have fun and do not see a direct threat from the person (if you feel threatened, leave and immediately ask for help), you can say something like "I am very, very attached to those with whom I slept." or “I didn’t want to say that I have herpes, but you are forcing me to do it.”
Part 3 of 3: Coping with Social Pressures
Step 1. Familiarize yourself with the types of social pressure
Chances are, this is not the first time you have heard that adolescents are influenced by peers in all areas, including sex. In order not to succumb to public pressure, one should understand the nature of its occurrence. When you spot someone using one of these methods, you’ll be ready to go on the defensive. The main types of peer pressure:
- Overt pressure: This is the most overt form of pressure and is usually a straightforward, non-sophisticated peer statement like “I can't believe you're not having sex. They do it all the same! "
- Hidden pressure: This type of pressure is less noticeable, and you usually start to feel like something is wrong with you if you break away from the team. They may say something like “It's okay, you’re just a virgin (tsa) and don’t understand it,” or they may call you “a virgin” or “prude” and so on.
- Pressure with elements of manipulation: There are already visible attempts to force you to do what you do not want to do, accompanied by threats to expel you from the company or stop communicating with you. You may be told "I can't be friends with a virgin (s)" or "I don't hang out with virgins."
Step 2. Be skeptical about everything
Others can exaggerate a lot, and perhaps simply lie about what they allegedly did.
While they may sound convincing to you, be more skeptical about what people are saying. Do not try to bring them to clean water, but believe everything that you are told
Step 3. Remember that you cannot believe everything you hear
It may not be easy to maintain self-esteem and remain confident when the same negative comes from everywhere - from the press, popular culture, friends, family, or older comrades.
If someone tries to provoke you with knowingly false comments or statements, defend your position. Repeat "It's not true!" yourself or others until it stops
Step 4. Determine what follows after you have sex
Most often, peer pressure is based on the fact that having sex, you supposedly acquire a special status - become adults or more independent of your parents.
- Determine where sex is in your life. Nobody should decide this for you.
- Ignore how others evaluate your sexual status. This may be important, especially in school, where peer pressure is felt particularly strongly. Don't let people tell you words like “if you haven't had sex, then you are not attractive” or “because you are too afraid” and so on. The decision not to have sex may have nothing to do with it. This means that you yourself decide what to do with your body and do not let anyone decide for you.
Step 5. Surround yourself with positive people
An effective way to reduce peer pressure is to stay away from these people.
- If your friends nag, laugh, or pressure you because you are not having sex, calmly and confidently ask them not to. If they continue to do this, try to communicate with them less.
- Find friends who accept your choices and respect your right to make decisions for yourself and hang out with them.
Step 6. Leave
As with a partner who invades your personal space, you can also stop communicating with a peer who violates your boundaries.
- Leave calmly and confidently. The most important thing is to stop communicating with this person, but if possible, try to get out of the situation calmly and with dignity. This will show him that he will not be able to manipulate you.
- As you leave, imagine how you crush and throw away his words.
- After getting rid of these words, encourage yourself with something positive.
Advice
- If you start to think that the main thing for you is not preserving virginity, but giving up sex for the reason that sex is not interesting to you, read scientific articles about asexuality and do some self-analysis. If you are asexual, there are many clubs and communities where you can find like-minded people.
- If a person does not understand the word "no", this can be regarded as a sign that he does not respect you and your right to personal space. This is a very bad sign, it can even mean that the person is violent and you need to think about who you can turn to for help.
- Remember that you and only you can set the boundaries. If someone cannot or does not want to respect these boundaries, you have the right to ask, or, if necessary, demand that that person stayed away from you.
- Don't be afraid to say no.