Telling someone that you are self-mutilating can be scary, but it’s a bold step forward and you can be proud of it. At first, you may not get the reaction you are hoping for. But talking about your self-harm will be an important step on the path to healing. It will be a little easier for you to open up your problems and emotions if you pay attention to some points.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: How to Choose the Right Person
Step 1. Think about who used to be there and supported you in difficult times
Try to open up to someone who has supported and helped you in the past.
- A friend who was previously for you may change her mind. Sometimes a friend may be so shocked that she cannot give you the support you hope for.
- And although you know that she was on your side before, she will not be able to immediately react to this news in the way you hope, simply because she is in shock.
Step 2. Choose a person you trust
It's the most important. You should feel really comfortable with this person and know that you can really trust that she will be for you.
But you must understand that even if your friend has not disclosed your secrets before, this does not mean that she will keep this one too. People are often horrified at the news that their friend is self-mutilating, and this message may prompt her to share with someone simply because she wants to help you
Step 3. Think about the purpose for which you want to share your secret with this person
If you just want to ease your mind, then you need to choose a friend you can trust. If you think you need medical attention, you should first see a doctor. Determining the purpose for which you want to talk about your problem will help you choose the person with whom you are better off talking.
- If you are a teenager, you might be better off sharing with an older person first before you tell your friends about it. Try talking to your parents, a social educator at school, or a teacher. This way, you will already secure yourself support before you share with your friends.
- If you are already undergoing treatment for any other problem, talk to your doctor first. The doctor can help you prepare to talk with your family and friends. If you are not undergoing treatment, then now is the time to seek help, because it is better to work out the whole process with a professional who has experience with people who are prone to self-harm.
- Perhaps you may have problems due to your faith. If this is the case, you should talk to a priest or pastor.
- Before talking to your doctor, consider what services they can offer you. This will make it easier for you to decide if you want a referral for group therapy or if you would prefer one-on-one counseling, if you would like to be visited by a nurse, or if you are suffering from depression or anxiety, you may need to prescribe medication.
- If your school performance is suffering, you should talk to a school counselor or teacher.
- If you have not yet reached the age of majority and are going to see a specialist, you should know in advance that this person will be obliged to report your self-harm. Before the conversation, you can ask the specialist to whom and in what form the information received from you will be transferred.
Part 2 of 3: Choose When, Where, and How to Communicate the Issue
Step 1. Practice in front of the mirror
It can be scary and difficult for you to tell someone that you are hurting yourself. Rehearsing your conversation with your friend in front of the mirror will give you confidence and strengthen your resolve.
Rehearsing the entire conversation at home first will help you organize in your own head exactly what you want to say, as well as visualize the answers and possible reactions of your interlocutor. Think about how your friend might react to your openness and prepare your answers to her questions ahead of time
Step 2. Talk to her in private
Having a face-to-face conversation is always more difficult, but it gives you the opportunity to speak up in real time. In addition, serious emotional issues are best discussed face to face, since you also need attention. Tears and hugs can have a beneficial effect on you.
- Talking face to face can give you real relief.
- Your friend's first reaction may not be what you expected, so prepare to see her as angry, sad, or shocked.
Step 3. Find a place where you feel comfortable
Face-to-face conversation is a big deal, and when you decide to open up, you should find a comfortable and calm place for this conversation.
Step 4. You can write a letter or email
While this way the person you open up to will receive shocking news and will not have the opportunity to react right away, sometimes this delay is just what you both need. You will be able to choose exactly the words you want to say, and you will be able to speak the way you want, no one will interrupt you. And your interlocutor will have time to digest the information received.
Try not only to send a letter, but also to talk in person or at least call, because the person you write to will worry about you. And if your friend has to wait until she hears you again, it will worry her even more. At the end of the letter, tell her that you will call her in 2 days or ask her to let you know when she is ready to speak with you in person
Step 5. You can tell everything over the phone
If you report your problem to a friend or other trusted person over the phone, you will still have a real-time conversation, although you won't be able to see her first reaction in person.
- With this method, you will not have the opportunity for non-verbal communication, so be especially careful not to cause misunderstandings.
- If you open up to someone who lives very far away from you, the other person may feel desperate because they cannot help you. Suggest how he or she can support you even from a distance.
- Another good way to open up your problem to people is to call the hotline. This conversation can give you the strength and confidence to tell someone you know about her.
Step 6. Show your scars to someone you trust
If you can't find the right words to start a conversation with, just show what you've done to yourself. This can pave the way for a conversation about your problem.
Try to draw her attention to what is behind your behavior, and not dwell only on the scars themselves
Step 7. Write, draw or somehow depict your problem
Showing feelings in the creative process will not only help you express yourself and experience some relief, but it will also become another means of communicating how you are feeling to others.
Step 8. Never talk to anyone in anger
If you say, “I cut myself because of you,” you will shift the focus away from your needs and trigger a defensive reaction in the other person. You may start an argument, and this, in turn, will put an end to a very important conversation.
Even if your interpersonal relationships cause you the strongest emotions, the choice: to cut or not - is yours. Therefore, your angry accusations will not help any of you
Step 9. Prepare for questions
The people with whom you will talk about your problem, I can ask you a lot of questions. Try to choose a time for the conversation when you are in no rush and can devote a lot of time to this conversation.
- If you are asked a question that you are not ready to answer, say so. Don't force yourself to answer all the questions.
- Here are some questions you may be asked: why are you doing this; you want to kill yourself; how does it help you; I did it too, but why don't you quit this business?
Step 10. Talk in a sober state
You may be tempted to drink a little before talking for courage. But remember that alcohol increases emotions and instability, and your situation is already difficult enough.
Part 3 of 3: Telling another person about your problem
Step 1. Talk about the causes of self-harm
The problem is not in the fact of self-mutilation, but in the emotions that lie behind it and which you are trying to cope with in this way. Finding a reason for this behavior will help you and your trusted person move forward.
When talking about your feelings and why you are cutting, try to be as honest as possible. Getting the support you need from your friend will take a long way to get her to understand
Step 2. Don't show photos or share naturalistic details
Otherwise, she will simply get scared or turn off and stop listening to you.
When talking to your healthcare provider, you will need to be more specific about how you cut. He will need to know these details to help you overcome your risky behavior
Step 3. Tell me why you decided to tell her about it
Some people hurt themselves because they feel lonely and isolated, but they no longer want to walk this path alone. Some fear that self-harm will progress and seek help. Telling your friend why you told her about this now will help her understand how you are feeling.
- Perhaps a holiday is coming or you want to get to know someone better and are afraid to show your scars.
- Maybe someone found out about this and now threatens to tell your parents about everything, and you decided to tell them before him.
- Maybe you didn't tell her before because you were afraid that you would be branded or deprived of your usual way of dealing with your emotions.
Step 4. Show that you accept yourself
It will be easier for your friend to accept you and your behavior if she sees that you are aware that you are hurting yourself, why you are doing it, and why you are telling her about it.
Don't try to make excuses. You don't tell her about your problem to upset her. And you don't cut yourself to upset her either
Step 5. Prepare to see shock, anger, sadness in her
If you open up to someone by talking about hurting yourself, prepare yourself that the first reaction to what you say might be anger, fear, shock, embarrassment, guilt, or sadness. Remember, this is an indicator that she cares about you.
- The first reaction of a person does not always show how much he is ready to support you. Your friend may react badly, but this is not your fault, but rather a reflection of her coping skills and her emotions.
- Be aware that it may take time for your trusted person to process this information.
Step 6. You may be required to stop doing this
Your friend may ask you to stop cutting. This will be her attempt to protect you and take care of you. It may seem to her that she is doing the right thing if she asks you not to do it again.
- She may threaten that she will no longer be friends or speak with you until you stop. Your friend may end the relationship with you or even resort to violence.
- Tell her that her demands will not help you, but, on the contrary, will suppress you even more. Ask her to better support you along the way.
- Explain to your friend or relative that this path cannot be covered in one day, that healing and overcoming takes time, and you need the support of loved ones in this process. Tell her that not only is she learning something new about you, but you yourself are still learning something new about yourself.
- If you are seeing a doctor or counselor, tell your friend about it. If she knows that someone is already helping you, it may calm her down a bit.
Step 7. Be prepared to be misunderstood
Your friend may automatically decide that you are suicidal, dangerous to others, trying to get attention, or that you can stop cutting yourself if you want to.
- Your friend may decide that self-harm is just a quirk of yours.
- Be patient, try to understand her confusion, and give her resources where she can learn more about your self-harm problem.
- Explain to her that self-harm and suicide are not the same thing. That it is more of a mental pain coping mechanism that you use.
- Explain to her that you are not trying to get attention. In fact, many people try to hide their self-harm for a long time before deciding to tell someone about it.
Step 8. Try to keep the conversation under control
If your friend starts yelling at you or threatening you, politely tell her that screaming and threats will not help, that this is your problem and you will try to solve it as soon as you can. Cut off the conversation if necessary.
Step 9. Talk about yourself
Depending on who you decide to share with, the reactions of the other people can be different. Your parents may think that they are to blame. Your friend may feel guilty for not noticing this.
- Be aware that it may be difficult for her to listen to you, but gently remind her that you need to share your feelings with her right now.
- Let her know that you are telling her about this because you trust her, not because you want to accuse her of something.
Step 10. Share resources with her
Prepare Internet sites or books so that you have the opportunity to show them to the person with whom you shared your trouble. She may be afraid of the unknown, but you can give her the tools to help her help you.
Step 11. Tell her how she can help you
If you want to learn how to deal with your emotions in a different way, ask how you can do it. If you want her to just sit there when you feel like hurting yourself, say so. Tell me if you need to be escorted to a doctor.
Step 12. Give room for feelings after the conversation
You can be proud of your strength and courage in this conversation. Reflect on this.
- Now you can feel relieved and happy because you shared your secret. This pleasant sensation may prompt you to further talk about your problem, perhaps with a counselor or doctor. These conversations do not always feel good, but they are still an important step on the path to your healing.
- If your friend didn't respond the way you expected, it could anger or disappoint you. If your friend is not responding well, then this response reflects her coping abilities and her emotional problems. If she reacts badly and negatively affects you, this may push you to further self-harm. But remember, your friend just heard something shocking and she needs time to process this information.
- Now is the time to seek professional help if you haven't already. If you've been able to share this problem with someone close to you, that's a great start, but there are many more emotional issues that you will have to bring to light and work through. And it is best to do this under the guidance of a specialist who has experience in the field and relevant education.
Warnings
- While self-harm does not indicate suicidal tendencies, if you have these thoughts or want to harm yourself seriously, call the emergency number 112.
- Self-harm can do more damage than you think, it can lead to serious complications or even death.