Traitorous people impersonate your best friends, just to hang around you. However, as soon as you turn away, they betray you, spreading lies and gossip about you. Whatever the reasons for this behavior, it is important to be able to protect yourself from them. If this situation is prolonged, then you should find a way and stop its impact on your life. Thus, you need to either improve relations with the traitor, or throw him out of your life.
Part 1 of 3: Protecting ourselves from the hypocrite
Step 1. Check and double-check the information before taking action
People have a habit of exaggerating by spreading rumors, and you may be overreacting to something that didn't really happen. If your fears come true, act.
Step 2. Keep gossip to a minimum on your part
Don't spread rumors with strangers. You might be tempted to be helpful and start talking about the gossip you've heard about your teacher or boss, but who knows who others might pass on your words to. If you cannot refrain from gossip and complaints about a person, do it only in the company of people who do not know the person you are talking about.
You can listen to gossip and rumors from other people, as long as you do not participate in them yourself. If you cannot stop gossiping, then at least try to listen more and talk less
Step 3. Build good relationships with the people around you
Be friendly and welcoming, even with strangers. This way, if someone starts spreading gossip about you, others are less likely to side with him.
At work, treat everyone with respect, not just your immediate colleagues and management. If you only care about this relationship, you may inadvertently offend a secretary, trainee, or downstream colleague who will remember this to you
Step 4. Learn to distinguish between signs of hypocrisy and betrayal at an early stage
The more time the traitor will spread lies about you and harm you, the more difficult it will be to repair the harm done. If you notice early signs of treachery, you can fend off attacks before they gain strength. Pay attention to the following warning signs:
- You hear rumors about things you didn't do or said.
- You said something to someone personally, and now everyone knows about it.
- People have stopped sharing information with you, assigning work assignments, or inviting you to events they've been invited to before.
- People have begun to treat you coldly or unfriendly for reasons you don't understand.
Step 5. Remember that not every annoying behavior is a sign of betrayal
Make sure you're not making an elephant out of a fly when accusing a person of hypocrisy. Impartial behavior, such as being systematically late, negligent, or narcissistic, is characteristic of thoughtless people and is not necessarily a sign of betrayal. Misdemeanors like canceling a meeting at the last minute or neglecting your phone call are also not signs of hypocrisy.
Step 6. Begin keeping a record of what happens
Once you begin to suspect someone of betrayal, get in the habit of writing down all the suspicious incidents. Write down everything that happened and the reason why you think the person wanted to intentionally hurt you. So it will be easier for you to evaluate what is happening and find out in which case the unpleasant event is part of the general attitude towards you, and in which is a simple misunderstanding.
If you find that the work you have done was deliberately sabotaged, then make an official record in which you tell about the damage. Include details about the process of completing your assignment, positive feedback and other specific evidence - this will give you the opportunity to defend your position if the sabotage becomes more serious
Step 7. Try to recognize the traitor
When you spot signs of targeted harm, take a closer look at people's behavior to narrow down the suspects. Carefully observe the behavior of potential traitors before drawing any conclusions. Being rude to you may just be the result of a bad day. Here are some behaviors to watch out for:
- If someone gives you an insincere compliment, or acts like the criticism is a compliment, they may be holding a grudge against you.
- The person agrees with you when talking face to face, and then when you discuss the same issue in a group, accepts the point of view of others.
- A potential traitor remembers all past grievances and disrespectful actions towards himself. This person can hold a grudge against you for a long time and feel entitled to take revenge.
- Such a person will treat you disrespectfully, ignore your opinions, and disregard your advice about behavior change.
- Think about someone who might betray you. If someone systematically disseminates information that you have shared in a small circle, it must be someone you do not even suspect, of whom you are sure. If a project you were working on was disrupted, then only someone who had access to the project materials could do it.
Step 8. Share your suspicions with your friends
Don't jump to conclusions. Try to find out if your arguments seem reasonable from the outside, or if you are simply overreacting to everything.
- Talk to someone you trust and ask to keep the conversation private.
- If you suspect someone in particular, talk to someone who knows him but is not his friend. If you do not have such a reliable person in your field of vision that fits this description, discuss it with someone who does not know him - describe the behavior of this person, not your opinion about him.
Step 9. Don't become a hypocrite and a traitor yourself
You may be tempted to take revenge on that person with his own weapon. Don't be sucked into this. So you are likely to make the situation worse, ruin your mood and emotionally immerse yourself even more in what is happening. Moreover, it will damage your reputation even if you deal with the traitor (which is unlikely).
Part 2 of 3: Dealing with a Traitor Friend
Step 1. Take it easy
Sometimes people just do nasty things, but in reality it translates into betrayal. Anger and annoyance will not fix the situation. It is in your best interest (in the short and long term) to remain calm and focus on the practical side of the matter. Don't ignore the situation. Just try to go about your usual activities.
Step 2. Appeal to the traitor's positive personality traits
Being kind to a traitor is probably the last thing you want to do, but if you calm down a bit and sincerely try to understand his position, you can really make amends. Most passive-aggressive people, which include traitors, think that they absolutely need to resort to cunning and hurtful methods, because they are not appreciated.
Invite the traitor to an event. Do something fun and distracting that makes the traitor feel welcome again
Step 3. Call the hypocrite for direct dialogue
Contact him in person, write a message, or send an email if a face-to-face conversation is not possible. In a polite manner, make it clear that you want to discuss recent events. Make sure that the conversation stays between you.
Step 4. Be honest about the situation
Don't threaten. Tell us about the incidents that hurt you and how they hurt you. Ask the person to back up the facts (for example, the message or letter sent to them, etc.).
Avoid sentences that start with the word “you,” which makes the person feel accused. Then he will be forced to defend himself. Instead, use sentences like, "I heard there are false rumors about me."
Step 5. Listen to the interlocutor
Chances are, your friend doesn't want to be angry with you for the rest of his life. Give him the opportunity to convey his point of view to you without interrupting or getting angry. There is always the possibility that you were wrong, and that the situation is much more complicated than you thought.
Step 6. Ask forgiveness for anything you were wrong about
Even if it seems to you that your friend is more guilty, look at the situation through his eyes. Apologize if you misunderstood and accidentally offended him, even if partially to blame.
Step 7. Forgive your friend when you feel ready
If you want to build your friendship again, you need to forgive each other for making mistakes. Even if the relationship isn't working out anymore, forgiveness can help you move on and stop worrying about the betrayal.
Step 8. Talk about your friendships and pressing issues
Be honest and open. If something goes wrong, discuss it one-on-one. If one of you is upset about a particular action or repetitive behavior of the other, talk about it. Let your friend know about your feelings.
Step 9. Be prepared for change
After you've discussed your concerns, you need to prepare yourself for the changes that will help rebuild trust between you. You may need to find new things to do to spend more time together if your friend is not comfortable with the usual pastime. If a friend tells you that your words hurt him, keep this in mind and try to avoid nicknames, intonations, and habits that hurt him.
Mistakes are inevitable, especially if you are trying to break old habits. Apologize if you made a mistake; forgive a friend if he made a mistake
Step 10. If your attempts have failed, end the friendship
Sometimes trust cannot be restored, and betrayal leads to the end of the friendship. If you've done everything in your power and it didn't work, you need to find a way to move on.
- By this point, you most likely already had a conversation about friendship and betrayal. If your friend has not expressed a desire to fix the situation, just stop communicating with him.
- If both of you have already tried to restore friendship, but have not succeeded, then calmly discuss the situation and stop communicating.
- Sometimes friendship can be canceled out naturally. It is necessary to invite a friend to events less and less often, periodically not to answer his calls. Complete ignorance can offend the person, but gradual withdrawal will lead to rupture, making the process itself less painful.
Part 3 of 3: Dealing with a Traitor Colleague
Step 1. Don't let your colleagues interfere with your work
Focus on work that you can get done without the help of colleagues, and don't let anger affect your work environment and responsibilities. Give no reason to be angry with you or disappointed in you.
Step 2. Let your treacherous colleagues prove themselves
Most fellow traitors are not sociopaths - they are just people who think that stealth and intrigue tactics must be used for promotion. Try to sincerely acknowledge the positive contribution of such colleagues to the common cause, and encourage this behavior.
- During meetings or conversations, ask the hypocrite about things he is good at.
- Support his suggestions if you agree with them. Do this only when you sincerely share his point of view; don't overdo it or flatter.
- If he is annoyed by this behavior on your part and reacts rudely, stop and move on to other methods. Some people just don't want to change their behavior.
Step 3. Talk and discuss the situation in private
Describe to him all the episodes that have upset you one-on-one or in a personal letter. Speak openly about the issue and see if the person is mature enough to discuss it.
Try to avoid accusatory intonations in your speech. Use passive phrases: "I noticed that the project was not ready on time", instead of: "You did not finish the project on time."
Step 4. Support your words with documents and notes
As mentioned in the previous part, you should have a detailed report on the incident that happened. If a coworker denies this, show an email or other document to support your statement.
If the colleague still denies, call a witness to confirm
Step 5. If you are threatened with dismissal, make an appointment with your senior management
If a colleague's behavior poses a serious threat, and talking to him did not work, make an appointment with your management or HR manager. This should especially be done if the gossip about you concerns violations of company policy or actions that could lead to penalties.
You need to come to such a meeting prepared. Documents, emails and anything that testifies and proves the organization of sabotage. Positive feedback on the work you have done will help dispel rumors of your laziness and unprofessionalism
- If possible, in the future, do not rely on fellow traitors, do not ask them for a favor.
- Don't be afraid to ask questions. If you have any doubts about someone's account, talk to him. Give him a chance to explain.
- Do not be secretive with someone who has been treacherous.
- Be mindful of what you say. Hypocrites can turn them against you.
- Do not trust the traitor's friends - they may be at the same time with him.